happiness.

it's been a strange time.

jetlagged for the first time,
and now with enough time on my hands to think about things, because i really am spacing out time for something of higher priority.

my dependence on holding a singular shirt near, is a little scary, and yet not at all.

ivan says
maybe you're finally growing young, like im benjamin button inside,

but i think perhaps im just learning to take myself as i am, now.
i dont have to be someone older than i actually am because the expectations put on me are just what i need right now,
dont have to act like someone more enthusiastic or younger than i am, because he doesnt expect it.
doesnt need me to be anyway but the way i want myself to be,

and then reminds me of it.

i've been jetlagged for a few days, and im wondering if it's also because im just feeling stressed up about some things, and not entirely able to rest.

had a nightmare last night,
or perhaps that's an exagerration.

i dreamt that dad found out,
and blamed me for it
and accused irresponsibility and immaturity,
to which i responded to with childish refuttal, when really i should have just met up to him and said it.

acknowledged it, and showed myself as happy as i am.

perhaps it's time soon to be happy enough and not scared,
to show that im happy.

sometimes happiness feels so transient, and then that leads to a very malevolent uncertainty
because you dont dare to hold on too tightly to things that make you happy,
in the fear that you'll grow dependent, and then when it's gone

because you never know if it's permanent,
because you should never feel that way take such things for granted,

you become less of a person than you were before.

but regardless of how everything turns out,
im better for this.
because i realise that it's made me more of a person.
or maybe not. it's made me feel more of a person than i did previously, that's probably right-er.

but i wonder if such neuroticism could truly stem from having to act older that i was previously,
just because my emotions weren't accepted, weren't embraced.

but now, even the bad things are.
even my horrible moods are taken in stride, as graciously, or as ungraciously as i need it to be.

it's sure something.